Absent Presence

Last month we celebrated my husband's Aunt and Uncle's 70th Wedding Anniversary.  It was a diverse gathering of family and friends, aged twenty to ninety who came to rejoice with two people who had dedicated their lives to each other, their family, and to education. This was a group of well-educated, bright, and interesting people.

As I thought back through the evening, it hit me that something was missing from this undoubtedly technology-savvy group; no iPhones or other such devices were attached to anyones' hand!
They were actually talking with each other, laughing at witty comments, and focusing on the people sitting with them. I wrote one of my first blogs on Sept. 5, 2011 about this problem. The following is a paragraph from that blog:

"Even the smaller children have their battery-operated games with them. In any given booth at a restaurant these days you’ll find at least two adults who are either talking to or texting with other people, and a child or two who either:  Stare off into space because they are being totally ignored, play a game alone, or are fighting with each other over whose turn it is to play."

An interesting video has surfaced on FaceBook which shows several scenarios of device-use. One which stood out the most to me was a clip of two girls in swings at a park. One girl was swinging for all she was worth, laughing as the wind blew her hair back. The other girl was sitting motionless in her swing, tapping away on her phone. Another one showed a young woman enjoying the ocean as it raced onto the shore and back again, while her friend was turned away from the scene, talking loudly and excitedly about some mundane story about a box! The last one I'll mention showed a bowling alley and a teenager getting a strike. When she came bouncing back to the seats, no one looked up from their phones to congratulate her!

Do you know there is a wedding cake topper with bride and groom both texting behind each others' back? It's supposed to be funny, but a YouTube video shows a bride texting as she walks down the aisle on her father's arm. Yikes!

Having mentioned FaceBook, that brings up my problem: Being on the computer too long! The pastor at our former church calls it, "absent presence;" anything that takes your mind away from the people who are with you. It can be the computer, television, even reading. We just have to remember that real people are much more important than media, and that conversation is an art we mustn't let die out. 

Thoughts on Friendship Two

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Since time is indeed slipping away from us, we should think about how to be good friends to those we already have, and to be open to making new friends!

Here are four categories of "friend behavior." 

• A friend who delights
• A friend who is dedicated 
• A friend who disappoints  
• A friend who deserts.

Ask yourself, “What kind of friend am I?”

Do you delight your friends? Are you the kind of friend that your friends are delighted to see?  

Are you reliable, trustworthy, faithful, and there when needed? Are you dedicated to them and they to you? 

Have you disappointed someone, perhaps been  selfish, giving them little time?

Are you the kind of friend who’d desert? 

 Hopefully you have never deserted one of your friends who desperately needed you, but it may have happened to you. We’ve all been hurt, rejected by somebody, and If you haven’t, you just haven’t lived long enough because it’s going to happen. When this happens, forgiveness is absolutely necessary and we must give it in spite of our hurts. When we don't forgive, the only person we hurt is ourself.  You can’t make people love you, you can’t make them like you or want you, but one thing’s for certain. You can forgive them, no matter what. Forgiveness is healing, especially for yourself.

There are some practical ways to be a true friend. thoughtful gifts are nice, but it’s not about giving presents unless you offer the following from an article in The Daily Bread:

• The gift of listening-no interrupting, no planning your response. Just listening.
• The gift of affection. Being generous with appropriate hugs, kisses, and pats on the back.
• The gift of laughter. Sharing funny stories and jokes. Your gift will say, “I love to laugh with you.”
• The gift of a written note. Expressing in a brief, handwritten note your appreciation or affection. 
• The gift of a compliment. Sincerely saying, “You look great today” or “You are special” can bring a smile.  

Of course, homemade baked goods are always a great way to express friendship as well!!

Thoughts on Friendship

Don told me the other day that David Schwimmer got $750,000 for each television episode of Friends in which he acted. After I picked my jaw up off the floor, I began to think of a talk I got to give at a women's retreat one year about friends, and decided to condense it for my blog. 

This was inspired by Dr. Charles Stanley, a wonderful television pastor.

Most of us think of ourselves as having friends, perhaps not as expensive as David Schwimmer, but just as valuable. Throughout my life of living in several “circles” there have been many people I could categorize as friends. My teacher friends and I meet for breakfast, I see my church friends on Sunday, at Bible study, care group, and when we meet just for fun. There are friends in my neighborhood. Some of my friends are casual, others close, and perhaps two or three are truly intimate. Friends are important parts of our lives, and I know reams of material have been written on the subject. 

Our relationships and friendships can cause pain and disappointment. It’s just a fact of life.  All of us have been hurt by a friend who proves unfaithful. Even members of our family or the closest of friends can let us down.  Friends are only people after all.

The let down comes as a shock in some cases, or you expected it in others, but it is never easy when you’re going through it.  How we react to it when it happens is what I'm writing about.

 I experienced one such let down years ago when I went to a church retreat  with a friend and visualized the weekend having fun, eating meals, and talking with this person. However, when we got there, another group of people caught her attention and she began “hanging out” with them, leaving me to my own devices. I was hurt and had to do a lot of praying and self-encouragement in order to enjoy any part of the retreat. I chose to spend time alone, and I’m sure my face showed how I felt.

However, I chose, with God's help, to put the whole incident behind me when retreat was over, and go on nurturing and taking care of that friendship. 

 I’m so glad I decided to take care of that friendship. As it turned out, she was going through an emotional upheaval at the time and was reacting to life in general in unusual ways. We are still “buddies,” even though she’s moved away, and probably doesn’t even remember the weekend! 

An important thought to consider is that the less time you have to live, (less tomorrow than today!) the less time to build friendships, so you better take care of the ones you have.  I'll revisit this topic in my next blog!